I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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