Someone shit on the floor
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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