I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
