Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
