I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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