Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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