So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
