Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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