Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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