the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
are you so shy because you have an std?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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