4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
