I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
i need some magic done to my vagina
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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