R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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