my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
This is my gift to your gina
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
