I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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