nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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