Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It's rum buckets o'clock
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
