I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I am one with the molecules
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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