i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Pooping to opera.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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