my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
