Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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