I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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