saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
