Jerry, you need to find god
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
