I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
