i may or may not be watching the land before time
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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