I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
