sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
