I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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