The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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