but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
