What a fucking waste of an outfit
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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