I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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