Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Randomize
