Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
