some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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