why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
