the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
