I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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