So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
