I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
