if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
