I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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