atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
