I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
did i just pee glitter
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
