Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
