did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
