My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
