When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
