I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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