if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
