i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
