drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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