3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
